Loser
by thetimehascome
Summary: Naruto is dead, Sasuke must learn to deal with these new feelings. Character death, sasunaru / narusasu, and angst, angst, angst.
1. The Hearing of Traveled News

A/N !  
>I thought it be cool to a write a story where Sasuke must learn to deal with Naruto's death. Honestly I've read a bunch of fics where Naruto has to coup with Sasuke's death, but never the other way around.<p>

Itachi is still alive, and so Kabuto and Orochimaru... yeah, a lot of the events in manga had not happen yet in this fanfic. which means Konoha is still alive (wahhhwoo!)

This is for mylilchickadee, if you don't know her/his stuff, look up the name here or on fanfiction. net, amazing amazing writing. More chapters to come. Soon soon soon Take this as sasunaru or not. It's really all up to how you guys interpret it.

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><p>When I found out what happened to Uzumaki Naruto, I did not scream, cry, or smile.<br>I didn't feel any sort of remorse, I was not angry, and it didn't make my bones tingle with excitement.  
>I felt a numbness over come.<br>When I found out Naruto was gone.

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><p>I hadn't even flinch when I took two tips of my nails to my face and pitched my cheek. I couldn't quite feel anything, and I certainly did not know how to feel. This was a new emotion I assumed most normal humans felt often, and since I was the exact opposite of most normal people, I was exempt. I began to feel uneasy about myself because I didn't understand, and I hate to be confused or in question. I hate feeling weak and lost, I like to know my options and my path, and I do not like surprises. A rush of tiredness swept through my whole being. I do not know what I need truly, but I'm almost sure in that moment I heard the wet cave like bedroom call out for me.<p>

"Sasuke."

Then it hit me, a disgusted shocking feeling, because for a second I almost wished it was him calling out my name.

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><p>My eyes starred upwards to the lonely blankness of the ceiling as I studied intently each crack, split, and bump. He was in my dreams, in this ugly orange clothing, with his ugly retarded attitude, and his ugly, ugly face. I hated him, I still hate him, so there is no reason to ponder anything about him. I pushed the thoughts out of my head, and pushed myself up and to my feet, dragging them along this lonely cold stone floor.<p>

But still, when I did learn of his death it was brief and not quite clear. It was an overheard discussion between Kabuto and Orochimaru.

And it only took that brief faint string of words to put me in such a walking coma-like state.

When I really shouldn't be feeling anything at all.

Why is it when I walk my foot steps seem twice as noisy, and why does it feel like I am taking extra spoonfuls of oxygen when I breathe.

I find Kabuto.

He is sitting there studying some sort scroll, his gaze concentrated giving me no attention.

Necessarily this would not be a problem, I don't care what he thinks when I need something. I stop caring long ago of what people want and expect from me, this includes being used; I've been considered a tool all my life after my family died. Before women and men looked at me as assent, as an Uchiha, something strong. After I found my mother and father dead on the floor did people start to call me student, missing, vessel.

Except for those two.

Even when I tried to kill Naruto, he called me brother.

Even when my brother hands were gripping my neck and chocking me, he still called me brother.

But have I never called him brother since I was a child.

And I abandoned Naruto with no intention of ever considering his feelings.

So, why do I suddenly feel this bitter taste in my mouth.

I remember why I can not call out for Kabuto.

It's because I can't find the damn will to. It feels as though my voice box has dried up and died, died with everything else.

But my face is stoic and calm, because I'm a damn Uchiha, even if people don't think so.

Fuck.

I sallow and say, "I have a question, concerning Naruto."

"Oh?" he turns his neck and smirks, "the way you say his name, Sasuke-kun. It makes it almost seem like you miss him."

For some reason, that makes my skin itch.

How dare he.

I lift an eyebrow and wait, Kabuto likes to toy with people, but I know his games. He likes to pretend he is doing good, but honestly everything he has ever accomplished was for his benefit or Orochimaru's. But eventually he speaks.

"We have just gotten the news of Naruto-kun dying. News about the Kyuubi travels quickly. It seems that your friend went on a rampage in Konoha, a lot of destruction..." he pauses to get a good look at my face, but I remain calm. He puts a hand to the center of his glasses and pushes them up, and giggles. This would remind me why Kabuto is such a creep, but my thoughts are else where.

"Did he die because of the fox?" I do not realize that I just have spoken until I finish the question.

"No."

"Then...how?"

He sighs, "He was executed by Konoha."

Then do I suddenly feel a pang of hatred, it hits me so hard that all the air escapes from my lungs.

He goes on, "Not when he was attacking the village, but it was shortly after the attack. They must have quickly made the decision, you know Konoha, always being careful," he laughs at that. Because he knows that I know that he and I both know that is bullshit.

"And the worse part", he laughs again and it irritates me so, "He was beaten up and very badly hurt afterwards," he pauses and his face is composed and not crazy like before, "He must have been in a lot of pain."

Somehow, the scum of all scum that is Kabuto can muster up a bit of sensitivity and honest sorrow in his voice, "It is actually terrible," he looks directly at me, "That boy never had a fair life."

I feel disgusted now, because I know it's all true. But in the back of mind I know this could just be a cruel sick joke by Kabuto, because he is capable of that.

But I know he is not lying, Konoha is a sick and twisted place.

Capable of anything.

Kabuto smiles, "Funny. Orochimaru always wanted to have another encounter with that fox child. He even mentioned getting his hands on him," he closes his eyes, chin resting in on cupped palm. Now he is starting to play games.

But whoever said the games were based on fictional accusations? I wouldn't be surprised if he was the only one in my life who hasn't lied to me yet.

I can not be around anyone anymore. I turn to leave, Kabuto goes back to whatever he had left off.

There is a coiled twisted feeling in my gut, my cheeks feel hot and flushed, and I feel the same huge amounts of tiredness from before. I do not realize what I am doing until I sit down on my hard slab of wood I call bed.

I touch my hand to my cheek and realize I am crying.


	2. More Thoughts of the Past and Present

Thanks all of you who favorited this. It made me write a chapter twooo. ^_^

I think this is a little more on point. Starting to get a feel for this story. Oddly, it feels very organic and easy to write, most my ideas come to me when I start to type. Oh, fanfiction...

Sasunaru, or not. See it how you like the two to be.

For Mylilchickadee (a fan)

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><p>I sit and think. My heart has calmed down since before, I can tell because I can no longer feel it pounding in my chest. I know what absolute pain feels like, I experienced it once, and I may have just gone through it again. I sigh and stretch and pace back and forth on my feet.<p>

Yes I have gone through this before.

It is like when you're a child taking that path to get home from school. You have gone down this path before, memorized it's weird turns, bumped your head on it's low branches, tripped over it's odd roots, but you know it well and fully and use it everyday. One day you suddenly abandon it because you're no longer a child and you do not need this path, but it is forever locked in your mind.

Because it is apart of your childhood.

I miss my mother.

I only miss her in times like these, when I am so alone and confused and wishing for her comfort. I barley think of my parents because it only brings me sorrow, even the happy moments will end up making me twitch with fear.

Mother looked like me, Father looked like Itachi.

I wonder who Naruto looked liked...

I wonder what I look like now.

I wonder what expression Naruto held when he learned what would happen to him. I wonder if he was proud, because I wouldn't be surprised if that was how he felt and looked. I can not imagine him any other way, there would be a big dumb grin on his face while blood dripped from it. Naruto would never die without a fight, I wonder what he said, or rather yelled.

I wonder what were his last thoughts. Did his thoughts ring the name Sasuke?

I want to learn more of what happen.

All I have is small bits of loose information.

And all I can think of is my past with him.

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><p><em>"I know an idi~ot, named Sas~uke!" Naruto sang merrily into my ear.<em>

_I turned around and smacked him in the face, it was quick and even a surprise for myself, because I didn't quite mean to leave a huge red mark on face, but he was just so annoying... and... argh..._

_And now he is walking closer to Sakura and glaring at me every so often, but it doesn't help that Sakura is trying to walk closer to me and glare at me every so often too. Kakashi just reads his book, ignoring all of us, why do people call him great again?_

_Naruto starts to sing under his breath, but it is obviously loud enough for me to hear, "Sas~uke is ga~ay." _

_Okay, that is it._

_I pounce on Naruto, pushing Sakura in the process, and him and I tumble. He is pulling my hair kicking me, and I am holding his face, kicking him as well. Very, very ninja-like. We cling to one another scratching and biting and pulling, but I start to think we could be together in another way. Maybe I could hold his hand, or work by his side painting a shed, or even fight along with him in battle; but, no. This is truly the way we speak to one another. _

_It is hard to think such concerning questions right now, not when there is a knee up your mouth and both your hands are being held, and there is an angry Naruto looking at you with red eyes filled with tears._

_"STOP," her scream is like a cure caste upon this curse, finally I realize what I am doing in front of everyone and break away from Naruto. I compose myself and walk towards the other two, leaving the retard. _

_He is always getting me trouble, He's always getting himself into trouble. I am the one who has to break away from his trouble, I am the one always saving him._

_And I am doing all of this as I myself sink lower and lower. and lower._

_I start to walk with Sakura and Kakashi, I think Naruto has forgotten to come along._

_I pause, mentally slapping myself. I run back._

_How much of a hypocrite have I become._

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><p>The sun is so bright and vivid when I look outside. I have gone longer without seeing light, but now only I'm peaking a little bit, does the sun's ray blind me. However, the air smells warm and feels warm, because of this small opening I can tell. I can not go out though, because I have no idea what exactly I need to do. I still need to kill my brother, I still need to get stronger.<p>

Why did Naruto go off and kill himself like that?

Selfish bastard.

Maybe I also needed to see Naruto one more time. Leaving him planning to never come back, with the chance of dying, was not the right way to say goodbye. Maybe if I really said goodbye I wouldn't feel this disgusting.

I am sorry Naruto, I am the selfish bastard.

No, that damn civilization is.

Fuck Konoha.

Because right now I'm not sure if I plan a peaceful greeting, or a killing spree.


	3. Set Out

So yeah, if you haven't guessed, this is a Sasunaru story mostly told in flashbacks. It's sorta a discovery of secret feelings and characters.

Hope you enjoy this chapter!

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><p>That day still floods me with memories. This day floods me with regret and memories I hope to soon forget. Yes, I hope to forget him, since I left him laying in the rain I planned to never come back to him.<p>

Eyes open, Naruto.

Eyes closed, Naruto.

In my sleep, Naruto.

In my nightmares, Naruto.

It has been a week since I learned of his death, I hoped I'd forget about him, but I can't. I just simply can't. I tried to go back to my daily routine, but if I am only thinking of him, I can't fully concentrate and it makes everything seem useless.

I didn't want to do this, but I've decided I need to go back. Back to my native home, to the village hidden in the leaves. I wonder how they're going to react, a knife to my throat, or maybe they will be on their knees welcoming the Uchiha with open arms. Konoha's constant bi-polar feelings towards my clan was always interesting.

But, I don't want to go back.

I am afraid that when I arrive I will look pathetic, because what I am doing is pathetic. I have not prepared myself to see Sakura or Kakashi, they will most likely disregard me, but that does not matter because they're not my main goal. Even if I am ridiculed, I will find out what happen to that idiot. Maybe I will not be so peaceful, maybe I'll be ruthless and mean and violent. Oh sure, I could be sweet and get my way, but I'd feel embarrassed and uncomfortable, I'd rather just cut them down then pick them up. I have not prepared a route, supplies, or weapons for myself, and I am also going to have to speak to Orochimaru, but I will not tell him the truth.

I don't mind causing trouble, but I just don't like inconvenience, he'll just get in the way.

And since I can only think of Naruto, I will think of good memories with Naruto, because I am sick of crying. And I think Naruto is too.

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><p><em>Sakura has not been herself lately.<em>

_She used to only regard me, but now when ever I am mentioned by her she says "Sasuke and Naruto". I don't mind, I don't find her very important, she is very much like all the other girls I have met, I only notice these differences because she is on my team. She has not defended me when ever Naruto yells about something stupid, and she mostly has left me alone, aiding Kakashi instead. Once she gave me and Naruto an odd look, there was a little twitch in her eye and her mouth quivered, then she walked away. I don't understand her, and I don't understand most other girls like her. _

_There is a little tap on my shoulder, I turn, Naruto grins up at me._

_"Sasuke," he smiles sweetly, then shoves a hand full of mud in my face. This is entertainment for Naruto, pranks, the very backbone of youth's wasted time. He has taken habit of teasing me and trying to get even, other ways he is starting to surpass me, but in ways I wish he weren't. I back up from him, spitting, shaking, wiping the dirt off my face aggressively. I hate him, and now I ignore him. My chin is slightly risen and I disregard him in every way, when he pokes by side I walk away, I haven't looked at him, but fuck he is starring at me. _

_I've never met someone so naive._

_"We're not friends," I say. The noise of his feet has stopped, he is starring at me with full big blue eyes, "friends don't throw dirt into other friends mouths!"_

_He barks out with laughter, "Ha,ha! Sasukee, such a downer. It's really no big deal." Where is Kakashi and Sakura, why I am not in their interest anymore, Naruto just shoved soil into my face? Why isn't he in trouble? Why? _

_I glare at him, "Well, it's not funny." I walk away towards my other two unconcerned teammates. _

_Leaving Naruto._

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><p>"When will you be back?" Kabuto askes me, I hadn't sensed his presence until he sprung this question on me, and honestly I feel startled. I make a small gasping noise, but then gain my composure.<p>

"Three days, I think?" I continue to sort my bag, putting small items into it, "five at the most." I buckle the bag thinking, "do not tell Orochimaru I am gone," I smirk, "I don't want him too worry."

Kabuto grins evilly, "No problem." So, it looks like this won't turn out for the best.

I slide the backpack onto my back, around my arms, and set off. I walk down the hallway, into the opening, walk out and squint at the sun's burning rays.

This will be a long walk.

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><p><em>Why do I feel so exasperated from such a boring day of events, these D rank missions are boring and uneventful, yet I feel so damn tired. Maybe, it's because I am around Naruto all day, with most of the time used up by him talking into my ear, and at such a fast speed. My head feels heavy against this fluffy pillow. I wish the blanket covering me was heavier, because I am feeling a bit a colder then usual. There is an odd ringing in my ears, and my head is pounding, my curse mark burns as well. I abide to such a lonely quiet room, but I hear all of these unnecessary sounds.<em>

_Until I hear a small odd noise, _wack, wack, wack, _it sounds as though someone is masturbating... Naruto?_

_I hear small little grunts coming from Naruto, he also is trying to keep his breathing down, but I can clearly hear it. He is quietly panting, and he's not terrible at hiding it. But, c'mon how do you hide that?_

_I giggle softly. Naruto, how stupid are you exactly? I sit up, and Naruto almost instantly stops. I half crawl over towards him, smirking down at his buried face. _

_"Naruto," I am smiling down as he hides himself, "Naruto how dumb are you?". He begins to burry his face more, "You can't hide that Naruto. This is a side I never seen of you either." I poke a little part of his visible cheek,"Are you a man now, Naruto?" it's funny to me because it's new to him, I can tell._

_Naruto didn't have a family, or a brother to teach him these things, he had to learn on his own. And from the __**sound **__of it, he sucks. I like that I am superior to him in some way. He still covers his face, "Fuck you," he utters. _

_"No thanks," I laugh him. He suddenly lifts his face and pouts._

_"Maybe I wouldn't be so bad if you just help me!" he almost yells this._

_I am shocked and grossed out. "Are you crazy? I'm not gay." I feel my face getting warm._

_He blushes, "I never said you were, but this isn't really being gay. I... you're helping me," his blush deepens._

_My jaw is almost to the ground, and I can't believe what he is saying, "Fuck off, homo" I turn my back towards him and go to bed._

_I can't hear Naruto masturbating anymore, but I think I can hear a faint sound of crying._

_"It was a joke," Naruto says pathetically._

_"Don't joke around, then."_

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><p>This trail is long, it will take me at least two days to make it to Konoha. But I am ready.<p>

The sole of my shoe gently imprints the earth.

I begin my journey.


	4. Embark

I suck at this fanfiction thing.

ALL YOU, give me some reviews make me blush a little~~~ c'mon ;D

Each time I write another chapter, it gets longer. I really like how it is turning out, I hope you guys too! (starting to get a plot! woot woot!)

Enjoy.

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><p>I let my hands hover above the small fire I made. It is a cold night to be sleeping outside, but I have no other place to go. My dinner is a slice of bread and some water, I couldn't bring much. The stars blink down at me, the night may be cold but it is clear and smells fresh. I hate the bitter iceyness of the weather, my body is cold easily, and I like to wear comfortable loose clothing. The fire is starting to settle down I must too, I lay my head down upon the ground and smell the soil, it's bitter and real. I look up and see a shooting star.<p>

"Naruto..." I think, gripping the clothe around my chest. I wonder how many nights he spent on the ground when in search of me.

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><p><em>The fire crackles, I stare at it. Yellows and oranges dance within each other, but I am captured by the red of the flame. I think of revenge, how it will feel when I look at Itachi dead. The red stings me, but in a good way. It is passionate but a monster at the same time, it escalopes energy, but in truth it only holds an angry emotion. I can not feel any remorse when I kill brother, I promised myself that. I must slay him without shedding a tear. I am not afraid, I know I can kill him. <em>

_Everyone else has fallen asleep except for Naruto. Of course, he hasn't. It seems when ever I am feeling tired-less, he is too. _

_"I'm not gay," he mutters, "I was thinking Sakura-chan the whole time."_

_"Oh," I lift and eyebrow and turn my head in his direction, he is laying down with his eyes towards the sky, "What if I told her that?"_

_"No! Don't!" Naruto barks this, and I can see the panic in his face, it's almost vivid. _

_I chuckle, "I won't."_

_There is an awkward silence. _

_"As much as you think I hate you," I pause for minute and finish,"I don't." Naruto looks towards me, "I don't hate you."_

_"I hate you, I will always hate you Uchiha Sasuke!" Naruto sticks his tongue out. That is when I realize, that Naruto is not just an idiot, but a huge annoying retarded idiot. _

_"Maybe it's better that way," I roll my eyes and look at the thousands of stars._

_"Do you think of anyone?"_

_"Huh?"_

_"You know, think of anyone when you... uh," Naruto begins to blush and look away. Oh, I get it._

_"No." _

_Naruto looks puzzled, I go on, "It just feels nice." I begin to play with the buckle of my sandal, "I don't do it that much anyway, not as much as some boys."_

_"Like Kakashi-sensei," it's sorta like a half-whine half giggle. _

_"Yeah like him," I roll my eyes again._

_"You don't have a family," I look at him, he looks sad._

_"Nope," he thinks for a moment, "but, I have other things."_

_"Like?"_

_"An apartment, plants, friends," he smiles._

_"Mhm," I look down, "Wanna take a walk Naruto?" _

_He agrees with a simple yes and stands up, a small clothe is wrapped around his upper half, and we set out on this cold night for a casual short walk._

_I'd only wished it turned out that way._

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><p>This town is nothing like Konoha. It is smaller for one, much less people are on the streets, and the streets are more narrowed. The people seem content and happy, another difference, Konoha residence are always in a fowl mood. I walk persistently, maybe if I keep up this rate, I will be in Konoha sooner. I suddenly hear a bang and crash, it sounds like a bunch of items being dropped, I look over to see an old woman laying on the ground and books everywhere.<p>

I have no idea why, but I go to help her. Maybe I do this because I know it is what he would do.

I start to gather her large amount of books, they range from old fairy tales to recipe books, she is now standing over me. I stand up, handing over her books.

"Thank you young man," it is simple and short, and she is gone.

Would it be any different if that happen in Konoha?

No one seems to take notice, there was no pointing, or any whispers.

Why does the world feel so different when I apart from my hometown.

It seems kinder.

But weaker.

I begin my journey once more, heading down the zig zagging street until I am out of town. Night falls soon, and I notice how more trees are beginning to appear, which means I am close. I find an area by a small steam and cave and I decide to settle down. I can't sense any charka near by, so I presume it is safe. I rest my head in my arms as my sleeping bag holds me in safely and warm. My thoughts wander to thoughts about Naruto, not surprising. I close my eyes and try to remember it clearly. How exactly did I feel that night about the events that occurred?

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><p>I have pushed away these questions for years, but it only created more.<p>

And, now that he is dead, I think they may never be answered.

_The water is peaceful and sweet, ripples move gently._

_Naruto and I walk side by side, we haven't talked since we left our camp grounds, but that is ok. In this rare moment I feel at peace._

_He sits by the steam and throws a rock into it's body, it makes a splashing noise, and bits of water sprinkle onto Naruto's cheek. I sit beside him and watch our surroundings._

_Naruto begins to speak, "I don't really want to be a ninja," I am surprised by this, "Even if I make it out like I do."_

_"Mhm," I pluck a string of grass, "Why?"_

_"Things are not simple enough, I'd wish things were not crazy all the time," his knees are up to his chest and mumbles._

_I look at him with my eyes nearly popping out of my skull. Naruto of all people is saying this? Naruto the insane loud-mouthed idiot, who loves pulling pranks and might be possibly the loudest person I know? _

_"Are you crazy? You're are the most unsimple boy I know," his face is buried now in arms, and though I am talking to him I can't seem to grab his attention._

_"That's why I want it," Naruto speaks his holy wise words, "We want what we can't get it."_

_I can not relate to him. Because what I want I can get. And I can't be quiet and simple to get it, I have to be aggressive and strong. _

_"I think we can't be friends," I say it so sure of myself that I believe it for a second._

_His head almost instantly pops up, and it seems out of instinct that he suddenly grabs my arm and holds it tight, and he just stares at me._

_But, he does not speak this time, "You, me, we're too different."_

_"But if you loose me then you will have no one!" Naruto shouts this and it angers me so, because it is true._

_But I don't need anyone else, because I have a goal. I look down at his arm, "let go."_

_He stares more, his voice is loose and shakey, "N-no."_

_"No?" I repeat back._

_I send a fist flying towards his face, I hit him, and he covers his face with both his hands. Before I can get up he tackles me, pinning my body to the ground, holding my wrist in his hands, my legs are immobile because his legs are on top of mine. He looks at me in the face, and I look back, there is an silence between the two of us. Naruto's face begins to get closer to mine, I think he is going to say something mean and childish and something beyond his true understanding, but what he does surprises me. As his face draws nearer, his lips begin to squeeze to together and draw closer to mine, my eyes widen and shake him off._

_Naruto just tried to kiss me. _

_He suddenly tackles me again, pinning me in the same position as before. Naruto looks angry as he glares down at me, I feel confused and probably look it too. He looks away and back and mumbles, "Just don't."_

_"Don't? Okay I won't. What the fuck do you think you're doing, Naruto?" I almost yell this._

_"I need this," he mumbles again._

_"I thought you're not gay!"_

_"I'm not!" He kisses me now harshly, but my lips are closed and allowing him nothing, I push him off and stand up._

_"I will not kiss you! Stop it!" I'm now standing over him yelling, and he looks so defeated._

_He is looking away and I can tell that tears are beginning to form in his eyes, I crotch down to his level, "I won't kiss you."_

_"But... Pull down your pants." My hands shake as I unzip my pants zipper and pull them down, Naruto looks startled but begins to frantically unbutton his pants too._

_What am I doing? My hands are shaking and my mind is screaming NO! What the fuck am I doing? This is stupid, this is stupid. If anyone ever finds out what I did... I will shame the family, no myself._

_What am I doing?_

_What am I doing grabbing Naruto's dick and pumping it._

_It... feels gross._

_As I rub my junk against his._

_To top it off, he is moaning, not too loudly, but still... he is moaning._

_I imagine this is what it feels like to feel drunk._

_I know it's wrong, but I can't stop._

_I want my mommy._

_Naruto squeezes a bit harder and I gasp, I think this should end soon... but, I can't stop. He lays his head upon my shoulder, still touching me and I touching him. Soon, it is over, with Naruto hand still place where my dick is, but no longer pumping and touching it. _

_"This is what you wanted?" I ask him._

_He does not respond._

_"Please never bring this up," he says._

_I get up and zip pants and button them too. I walk away from Naruto, as if nothing ever happened._


	5. Arrival

There are two stories being told in this fanfic. Each flash back Sasuke has uncovers more about his past with Naruto and his feelings for Naruto. While the present story aboutt Naruto's death and Sasuke's feelings unravel as he embarks on this new journey. I hope that is clear, I am little concern that the flash backs may seem outta no where... please anyone who really likes this fic tell me any flaws, constructional criticism is good. Or if you like it even! (reviews are loved)  
>I hope am not making Sakura, Sasuke, or Naruto too out of character. It's really friggin easy to :

Sorry about the rant. And enjoy

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><p>The sun is raised high in the sky and streams down hot rays of light that peaks between the trees as I walk through the forest. I am so very close to Konoha, but I am starting to get impatient. I wish I could get the answers and then leave, but it's not going to be that easy; after all, I am a missing nin technically. This is why I am beginning to convince myself it be easier to go in and threaten rather then just politely asking.<p>

I don't want to be taken back, now that Naruto's gone, there is no reason at all to even ponder the thought of going back.

I almost have no reason to live.

Because I had this insane idea of living with Naruto after I killed Itachi.

Somehow our bond would be still be strong and burning, he would come to me and we live our life. The way he looked into my eyes that day I saw him, when he and Sakura and the other two tried to take me back. I remember standing above him looking down with a mix emotions, but showing off a stoic face; while he looked up with an emotion I can't even place...

He wanted me back.

That is the last time I would ever see him too. What was of that day...? I hurt him and spoke to the monster within him. The same monster that destroyed Konoha and destroyed Naruto.

The same monster I could control with the eyes of the Uchiha. Maybe if I would have still been with Naruto he wouldn't have...

Oh God...

My knees start to buckle, and I fall onto my them.

My shoulders slouch and my head is bent, and I am dizzy as all get out. I feel the dirt and small rocks between my fingers, I leave a small imprint of my hand in the dirt. I lift it up to wipe these tears away. I am not big on crying, but as of recently I can not stop; the tears come so easily.

Only if, only if...

I was with him.

He would be alive.

* * *

><p><em>I wake up to Naruto and Sakura eating with Kakashi. I am not one to wake up last before anyone else, if anything Kakashi is the one to wake up last. Maybe it is because of the events that happen yesterday night with Naruto and I, they put me through such trauma that my body forced me to partake in an extra few minutes of rest.<em>

_"Sasuke," Kakashi says with a grin, handing me a little cup of rice and chopsticks, "eat." Sakura is smiling at me, but Naruto... doesn't even look my way. Can I really blame him?_

_I hear a crow-like sound in the distance, and look up to see a hawk flying toward us. There is a piece of paper tied to it's leg, and it flies towards Kakashi. The bird perches on his arm he holds out, with Kakashi's other hand he unties the small knot and reads the piece of paper. The hawk then flies away from us, Naruto looks at it flying away studiously. _

_"Our mission has been canceled," Kakashi says out loud, all three of us look at him. He studies the paper a little more, "They can't pay us."_

_"Who?"_

_"The people we were hired to help, they are too poor to pay." Naruto looks sadden by this statement._

_"We can't help them at all?" His eyes are wide and blue and so innocent when he ask this. _

_"Their land is out of the way, and if were not getting paid we won't be able to feed and take care of ourselves," Kakashi pats Naruto on the head, "Plus we already had two other smaller missions before, and we haven't been home in a week, aren't you tired?" _

_"Him tired? Haven't you said it before, he is the number one knuckled head ninja. He's too proud to get tired." I cross my arms and look towards Kakashi as I say this, and then to Naruto, who doesn't even seem phased by my words._

_Damn him. Were we not suppose to forget that incident? How exactly did it happen anyway? I rush of emotions maybe? Or maybe because we're whacked out kid always fighting, we carry such heavy burdens, burdens that weigh over a million pounds._

_Life isn't ever fair._

_Why did such an awkward turn of events bestow Naruto and I, the children who carry such fat baggage, end up tangled with one another. I eat my rice and study it as well, dozens of little pieces of rice make up this bowl, each one of them important. Each piece is equal to one another, but you need hundreds of them to create a meal._

_"Okay team 7, we should start heading home. The sooner we get there, the sooner we rest and eat a real lunch," Kakashi stands up and bends gathering a few things into his backpack._

_Wait a second... did we just have lunch? What time is it anyway? I look towards my sleeping bag and various items, I go to pack them. I start to roll my sleeping bag, I turn my head to look at the others, Kakashi is still busy, but Sakura and Naruto are all ready to go. I almost feel ashamed that I am one of the last ones packing, besides Kakashi always being late, it was Naruto. He always seemed in rush, and when he was finished and ready, he never fully seemed complete. But now he almost looks proud, with his things together in his backpack as it straps around his shoulders. I zip up my backpack and stand up to see that Kakashi is packed up as well, we head off. __I am anxious to get home and take a shower and sleep, I need to rid my being of what happen as soon as possible._

_Naruto is walking in front of me beside Kakashi, he hasn't even glanced my way, this attitude of his is pissing me off. I want to fucking kill him, he's so stubborn! Sakura looks at me with concern, "Sasuke-kun?" I look her way._

_"Something wrong?" she seems worried, but lately I can't really tell._

_"No" I say it short and simple._

_Naruto is making my skin itch, this feeling is not the worst, but it is the most annoying. I go to pick up a small pebble, and toss it at his head. I see the rock hit, and Naruto doesn't even notice._

_I pout, OK if he wants to play games, fine! I'll play games too. I throw another pebble, hits him on the back of the head again, this time I see a small reaction. I throw one again, and then again, and again. I only can bring out small reactions from him, but at least it's something. _

_He turns around, "Stop it!"_

_I smirk at him, pebble I was about to throw at him I let drop. He gives me a small glare and turns away. I see Sakura from the corner of my eye, she looks concern again, but also dumbfounded. _

_"Sasuke-kun, I like you, you know that," I turn my head suddenly, she looks at me as if she is analyzing me. "But, recently," she trails off, "since you been hanging around Naruto more," she looks to see where the other two are and speaks, "You're acting just like him."_

_I can feel a twitch in my face. I disregard her, because I am nothing like Naruto!_

_She looks away from me, then back, and away. She must be sad that I am not paying any more attention to her, but I don't care. _

_I walk closer to Naruto, who doesn't even look my way._

* * *

><p>What I stare at shocks me in a unsurprising way, half of Konoha is gone. I stare at it from a hill above, it looks as though God slapped the city with his giant hand and left it in ruins. Maybe it will not be as hard as I thought, maybe I can just walk in and get what I came for, maybe I won't even have to confront Sakura or Kakashi. Konoha's gate still stands, but entering from the front would not be smartest move. Some of the wall still exist, and I guess coming in from the side would be the best way... but really, there is no best way.<p>

They're probably going to tie me up and torture me after the first step I take in the village hidden by the leaves. Before I venture into the town I decide to transform my appearance, using a henge I create a look with a plain face featuring boring brown eyes and a lame hair cut. I begin to trail down the hill top to Konoha's last remaining walls and begin to climb.

This is a bad idea.

* * *

><p><em>This is a bad team.<em>

_We are constantly arguing, yelling, and confusing one another._

_How did we all get put together?_

_Fate?_

_I look at Kakashi for an answer, but no one can truly see what he feels, he hides his emotions along with his mouth._

_We enter the village finally._

_"This is where we say our farewells, until next time Team 7," with his last words, Kakashi jumps away._

_Sakura tells Naruto and I goodbye and walks away. Naruto returns Sakura's goodbye, but walks away from me. I stand there thinking of what to do as a rush of emotions title-waves me over. _

_I begin to follow Naruto._

_He is a few feet in front of me, and I shout, "Oi! Stupid!" He does not look my way. _

_"Hey!" Still no reaction._

_"Stop acting like me, it does not suit you." _

_He stops, and doesn't quite glare at me, but there is some hatred in the look he is giving me._

_"Why would I act like you? You're ugly, dumb, and a jerk." Short, to the point, and harsh as fuck._

_This isn't the Naruto I know._

_I feel embarrassed and at a loss for words, I turn away and walk to my home; I have lost this battle. I have won so many when against Naruto, why I can't get over me loosing this one... I will not understand._

_When I get home, I fall to my bed, as if someone stabbed me in the back. I can't place this feeling, and I decide that I need to distract myself. I get up and walk over to the closet, the closet that holds the few positions my parents had. I pull out a box, it is filled with old clothing of my mother's. I pull out her blue scarf, it's long and embedded with black flowers; I cover my face in it's material. I look at several of my father's old ninja weapons; all long, shiny, and still sharp. I put his tools back, and notice a bottle. I grab the handle, it's an old and expensive bottle of Saki. I hold the bottle to the small ray of light streaming through the window on the other side of the room, the light shines through the glass creating beautiful reflections. I begin to twist off the cap..._

* * *

><p>Half the village is gone.<p>

The Uchiha complex doesn't even stand. Dammit, Naruto.

I begin to walk through the wreck in disguise, watching people reconstruct, seeing mothers tending to their children on the dirt ground, looking at people in long lines waiting for a bowl of food as an ninja serves them. Suddenly, from behind I hear running foot steps. I turn quickly, and notice...

… Sakura.

Dammit.

My mind is in a frenzy, should I leave or stay, or run? She stops right in front of me, breathing heavily.

"Sasuke..."

No, fuck. No.

I am wrapped up in what kinda doom awaits me now, a punch in the face, a knife to my throat?

"I sensed your chakra..."

She's going to be mad, she's going to blame me.

Why didn't I think of hiding that?

I have to threaten her, before she threatens me.

I pull out a weapon, she sees this from the corner of her eye, and takes a step towards me. My grip on the knife tightens and I clench my teeth, another step closer, then she embraces me. Her arms tightly hugging around my back, I can hear a light sobbing sound.

"You're back."

This girl, is really... stupid.

* * *

><p><em>Alcohol is what adults use to numb their minds. Usually a 12-year-old wouldn't have to numb their minds.<em>

_They would rather waste their brain cells on comic books and candy._

_But, I am not a normal 12-year-old._

_My collar of my shirt is covered in puke, it sticks to my neck, and my belly feels cold against the front of the toilet. The bottle of empty Saki lays by my side, the smell is over whelming, but I don't want to risk not throwing up in the toilet again. _

_This is what it is like to be drunk._

_I feel dizzy and stupid and useless._

_And in so much more pain than I was already._

_And I can only think of my brother for some reason. A few tears slip from my eyes and land in the toilet, making a splash noise. It sounds graveled and distant to me though._

_Then, I hear a click._

"_Sasuke?" _

_I hear the voice again, "Sasuke?"_

_But, I don't have the strength to stand._

"_Sasuke! Where are you jerk?"_

_I hear another click of a door opening, the bathroom door opens, f__rom the corner of my eye I can Naruto's bare feet._

"_Sasuke?"_

_I hide my face, I am so ashamed and disgusted. Why is it when I don't want his attention, he decides it's a good idea for us to hang out?_

"_Sasuke?"_

_Then the next thing I know, Naruto is moving me so my back is resting against the tub. He leaves the room and comes back with a handful of my clothing. He crotches down beside me and begins to lift my shirt, and wraps the vomit-stained piece of clothe into a little ball and chucks it in the corner. He cleans my face with a small washcloth, then drys it with a tower. He begins to put the new clean shirt on me._

"_Sasuke, what happened?"_

_I don't respond, but instead I create a grunt-like noise, Naruto wrinkles his nose at this sound._

"_C'mon," he begins to support me with his arm around my back and another hand at my side, pushing me up. I stumble as Naruto supports me, he walks me over to my bed and basically throws me at it. I fall into the fluffy white bedding, and let it's fluffy whiteness take me away. I hear Naruto shuffling around my home, _

"_Ew! Sasuke!" I guess he is cleaning up my mess._

_I imagine there's Saki and vomit everywhere._

"_N-na..ruto," I muster out. Naruto begins to walk to me, and sits at the end of my bed._

_I say, or rather drunkenly mumble his name again, "Na-n-ruto." He comes closer to me, lifting my head and placing it in his lap, and begins to run his thumbs through my hair near my fore-head._

_I try to say his name again, but he speaks instead._

"_No, Sasuke. I'm sorry."_

* * *

><p>damn what an intense chapter! AND I MADE SASUKE AN ALCOHOLIC! What am I thinking?<p>

Well it's a fanfic.

Plz review my comrades. (and i'll luv u 4ever)


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